Dear Greeting Card Writers,

When it comes to Father's Day cards, when do you write the verses found inside these cards? At 4:55 on Friday night, just before you head out for Happy Hour? Year after year I find myself standing in the Father's Day section at Target/Hallmark/Wherever in early June, optimistically looking at the greeting card selection for this particular occasion. And then I remember: "Oh yeah, they all suck. And always have." Every year, I select the "least bad" card and glumly head to the check-out.

I have two dads.

This one (biological dad):

And this one (my stad - pictured here with my beautiful niece):

The Father's Day cards seem to make a lot of assumptions about fatherhood, none of which seem to apply in my case.  Please allow me to advise you of the following:

1. Neither one likes golf. Neither one owns golf clubs or has even thought about golfing.
2. Barbecues are not as meaningful to them as the card selection would seem to reflect. 
3. One of them does actually like to fish, but not so much that any of the fishing jokes are actually funny. 
4. Both of my dads will do yard work if absolutely required, but it is not a voluntary, joyful sort of thing. 
5. Both will watch sports, but not obsessively (as the greeting cards would seem to imply).

Other jokes that aren't funny:

1. "Are we there yet?" jokes, or road trip jokes of any kind.
2. Diaper jokes. 
3. "Mom's really the boss" jokes. 
4. Remote control jokes.

So, when I am looking at the card selection, and I have filtered out all of the ones that mention sports, fishing, diapers, remote controls, barbecues, and golf, that leaves me with about five. Then I have to filter out the ones that feature Garfield and Snoopy (because everyone knows that shit ain't funny) . . . well, then I am down to about three. 

Don't even get me started on the cards that have sound.  That's a whole separate complaint.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Daughter Who Thinks You Can Do Better