Well, I guess I have some news to share. I'm 5 weeks pregnant as of today! I just found out last Thursday, Oct. 25, 2012. Mark and I got pregnant during our second month of trying. I am so happy that we didn't have any trouble conceiving-check one worry off the list! But now that I have known about this pregnancy for about a week, the number one emotion dominating my thoughts is fear. A pretty much all consuming anxiety, apprehension, worry. And guilt about feeling only anxiety and not excitement!
I decided to start this blog as a way to communicate pregnancy updates, belly pictures, etc with family and friends. Our support system is so spread out! We have loved ones in Alabama, Tennessee, Texas, North Carolina, California, Arizona, Washington State-that's a lot of long distance calls to make! So I hope that this blog will grow into a fun way to share news of our expanding family.
I told Mark that I was pregnant last Thursday by buying two pairs of baby socks from the gift store at work-one pink, one black (the store did not have blue, can you believe that??) and wrapping them up with the pregnancy test. I asked him which one he thought the baby would like more. He was so excited he threw out the dinner he was making and whisked me off to Chick Fil A to celebrate. He knows me so well, and I have to say, he has been nothing short of wonderful the last week, always asking me if I feel ok, and buying me healthy foods to eat and helping me relax after work.
In the meantime, I really need to learn to relax, and find a way to connect with Nugget, which is what we have affectionately nicknamed the little cluster of cells growing inside me right now in honor of our Chick Fil A meal. According to one of the three (yep, count 'em-three!) apps I have downloaded, Nugget is the size of a sesame seed or an apple seed, depending on who you want to listen to. I choose to go with whichever one is bigger! Also according to these apps, my little baby's heart will start to beat this week, and I could start feeling symptoms of pregnancy at any time.
I know that there are risks with any pregnancy. I know that a positive pregnancy test is not a promise of a "happily ever after" and that is the source of at least some of my anxiety. Maybe it won't feel really "real" until after the first doctor's visit, which isn't until Nov. 20, when I will be just about 8 weeks along. Thank goodness Mark can go with me-I have this fear of going in (after taking 2 at home tests!) and them telling me I'm not really pregnant, or that they can't find a heartbeat. And I think that fear is what is stopping me from feeling more excited. Am I trying to protect myself from getting too attached, so that if the worst happens, I won't feel so bad? I can't believe that's true. I know that I would be devastated either way. I have to believe that this feeling of being overwhelmed is normal. This will be such a huge change for our lives!
Keeping a secret like this is just the worst! I am so anxious to share this news with our parents and families! I actually think I would feel better if we did share, just because then I would have more people around me to be excited-keeping it a secret adds to my feeling that we are waiting for something bad to happen. We're aiming to tell our parents at Thanksgiving, when we will have our first pictures of Nugget, and extended family and friends at Christmas, when the first trimester will be essentially over. Just a few more weeks to go, really! According (again) to my apps, my due date is July 3, but of course the doctor will confirm that. A potential fourth of July baby! As Mark said, that would be neat for Nugget, because he/she will always have a day off at or around their birthday!
I can't wait to publish this, and share it with our loved ones. And I can't wait to share our Happily Ever After with the people who love us.
Although you are reading this a few months from now, when I'm writing it, thanks for reading it. :)
PS-Don't you love this blog background? It's called "Ethereal", and I love it because it is pink AND blue! Don't tell anyone, but I'm secretly hoping for more "pink" than "blue". :)