Tanner starts Kindergarten. Tomorrow.

Where did the time go? I feel like I just had him. I remember the pregnancy, the delivery, the nursing,his endless bouts with Thrush, his milk allergies, the sleepless nights, the first baths, the his first bite of rice cereal and the expression that went along with it. I remember my favorite clothes he wore at each stage, his favorite toys, his first steps, his huge smiles, his favorite foods, his gigantic chubby cheeks. I remember all of it. Maybe because he was my first, it's still there so vividly. And now he's going to school

I worry that I didn't teach him enough. Not academics, but the important stuff. Values, right from wrong, compassion. Did I teach him the real truths of the gospel, so that when he's told something false, he'll be able to tell? Did I teach him enough scripture stories so that when he's faced with a trial or moral dilemma, he'll know what to do? Will he come to me and ask? Will he believe whatever he hears at school? Will he make friends with kind kids? Will he realize that the things on the outside really don't matter, and it's the inside that counts? Will he be a leader or a follower? When a kid is being picked on, will he defend the child or stand by and watch? I feel like there's so much more to teach him, but tomorrow is it. Tomorrow is when he goes into the world. I'm sure I sound dramatic, but it's really the way I feel. He didn't really go to preschool. He went a day or two here and there, but he didn't like it and I didn't encourage it. I didn't discourage it, but I didn't care if he stayed home with me. I wanted him to. I feel like they're gone at school for so long, I wanted every last minute I could have with him. I just can't believe that he'll be away from me almost 20 hours a week. Doesn't that seem like a lot? I feel so blessed that I've gotten to be home with him for these last 5 years.

He's excited to go. He wants to. I think Heavenly Father has been watching out for him. Preparing him. I'm so grateful that he's been bored these last few weeks. It's made him so excited to go to school. He has a wonderful teacher, named Mrs. Orduno. I student taught at the school he's going to, so that's where I met her at. She's a member of the LDS church, but in a different ward than we're in. She is Hawaiian and has all those amazing qualities you imagine when you picture a Hawaiian teacher. Full of love. Happy. She has long black wavy hair with a flower in it...always. He also has one of his best little friends in his class, Carmen. They are so cute together. Always smiling and laughing.

I think it will be good for Kate and I. I had hoped by now (6 months since having Elle) that she would be more secure with her role in our family. But she's not. She gets really insecure and at times I feel like she is this cup with a hole in it that constantly needs to be filled. She would love it if I held her and cuddled her all day long. I wish I could, but, Elle wishes the same thing. Kate goes from loving me and wanting me to do everything with her and mimicking every move I make, to being mad at me and wanting Shad. She's told me before that she screams because when she talks nice I don't hear her. She's not being manipulative. She's right. She naturally has a really soft and sweet voice. I probably don't hear it. So if I don't she screams what she wants and I get upset. It's a bad cycle we've gotten into. I think having Tanner gone a couple of hours a day, and having Elle nap during part of that time, will help our relationship. Tanner gets a lot of attention and Elle does. Kate is in the middle. I can't wait to be able to give her one-on-one attention daily without distractions from my other two.

Tonight we wrote his name on his backpack, got his school supplies together and packed a snack for him to take. We laid out his clothes, socks and shoes. I made sure we had the right ingredients to make his favorite breakfast in the morning. Tomorrow is it. My baby goes to school.