I will be 6 weeks on Wednesday, and I know that I could expect pregnancy symptoms to start in the next week or two. Not that I want to feel sick, but I have to say that I do hope I start to feel SOMETHING. It will make it all seem so real, to feel pregnant rather than to just intellectually know that I am. Just over 2 weeks to go until my first doctor's visit. Today is an excited day :)
Last night I read a blog post about something that made me so sad-a woman who gave birth to a baby, and right away knew that it had Down Syndrome. She talked about feeling like her baby had died-the baby she had dreamed about and expected. So (of course), last night I had a nightmare that the same thing happened to me. But when I woke up, I actually felt relieved, because a few months ago I had a dream so much more powerful. I know that the dream I had last night is only my fears being given free rein as I sleep, but I want to tell you about the dream I had that changed my mind about being pregnant.
It was a while ago-last May or so. Mark and I were not close to starting to try for a baby, and I had a LOT of insecurities. Most of our friends have started having kids already, and my best friend's experience with her first born was to me, just another reason not to try to have kids. Too much risk, too much potential heartache. Not to mention, too much time, too much money, too much change in a life that is already good.
But then I dreamed of her.
I dreamed about my daughter. And I can't even tell you how real, how vivid, how TRUE that dream was. I dreamed about her labor (it hurt like a truck running over my body, but I did it!), I dreamed holding her in the hospital, I dreamed looking at her while sitting with her in the backseat as Mark drove us home, I dreamed carrying her in the front door to her new home, I dreamed breastfeeding her, I dreamed waking up with her in the night. I dreamed about Mark's parents meeting her. This dream has stayed with me for so long, and I don't remember any of my dreams for as long as I've remembered this one. It left me feeling so at peace. She was (is) mine, my child. I woke up with the feeling like I was just waiting for her, waiting for her spirit to come into our lives.
I am no theologian. My religious beliefs are informed by a bunch of different sources, from the Bible, to the Seth Material, to the TV show Ancient Aliens. But I believe this dream was a gift. A gift from God, a gift from her soul, a gift from my subconscious telling me that my body knows how to do this, that I don't need to worry. I felt so calm, and every time I thought of having a baby I thought of her. I still do. Round blue eyes with a full head of dark hair, and a little pink cap on her head.
I believe she was waiting for me to be ready. She (or someone) was sending me a message that it was ok, and I got a little glimpse of my future with her. My daughter. And even now, remembering that dream gives me so much comfort, because I am ready to meet her.
Only 8 months to go. :)
Love,
IleaPS-Mark and I have started discussing baby names. Like most things, we don't agree at all on most of them. Last night he made his first "real" baby name suggestion (ie: not "Robocop" or "Batman"), which was Luke (shortened from Lucas). I agreed that I liked it for a boy (even though, we are going to have a girl, according to my dream!), and then he said why he liked it. "Because then I can go up to him and say 'Luke, I am your father.' " Oh, how I love my husband. :)